For years I have struggled with insomnia, at its worst I can go with functioning on 3 hours of sleep a night. On a good night I can get 4-5 hours if I’m lucky enough and extending it out when I am sick as a dog.
I used to think that if I was sleeping next to the love of my life my mind would feel at ease and let me sleep, this however was proven wrong and still is.

Each night I kiss the gorgeous woman I call my fiancé goodnight before she rolls over and goes to sleep. It always amazes me that one moment we could be having a full on conversation and within 3 seconds of rolling over she would be asleep.

While she is peacefully off in dream land I lay there in the dark. The voices and thoughts in my head running at a million miles a second. The sound of my heart thumping, the blood running through my veins ringing through my ears and the darkness whispering through my insomnia.

I know I need to be up at 4am for work, my mind knows this, my body knows this yet my insomnia mocks this. Am I crazy? Have I lost the plot?
Or is this just my punishment for holding everything in so long and pretending like everything with me is fine?

Don’t get me wrong, I have a good life. I have some amazing friends, a beautiful fiancé and a loving family. I have a roof over my head and with a high functioning introverted nature I have a stressful but stable job but I can’t seem to get rid of the dark spots in my head, heart and soul.

My depression has gotten worse, my anxiety makes me feel like I’m constantly going to have a heart attack and my insomnia is wreaking havoc on me.

Every time I feel myself starting to doze off the creature called insomnia presses its lips to my ear and whispers my name, begs me to listen, to wait. I check my watch, it’s only 9:30pm but it feels so much later so I close my eyes hoping I can sleep. “Wait!” it whispers, my eyes opening as the room feels cold.. empty.. yet full and warm all at the same time. I always make sure to look to my left, always breathing a sight of relief as she is still there blissfully unaware in her sleep that the creatures in my head come out at night to torture me.

I tend to lay there for what feels like forever just to check my watch over and over again to be horribly disappointed to see that only 10 minutes have passed. Everything from the day playing on repeat in my head, every word that slipped out of my mouth, every thought that drifted through my skull, every smell that filled my nose and everything I felt against my skin. Could I have said something different? Done something different? Been something different? Something .. more?

I never seem to know but I often let out sighs and check my watch again, but once midnight has struck, I am officially on a new day but why does it always feel like groundhog day? Now the creatures are sitting on the bed with me waiting for our usual meeting at midnight.

Depression a deep blue sad looking creature waiting its turn to speak.
Anxiety an electric yellow spiked creature nibbling away at its nails.
Social Anxiety is a pale yellow and sits in the corner too timid to come near the rest of them.
Bipolar a beautiful mix of grey and white rocks back and forth waiting for its moment.
Insomnia a jet black creature with the devious smile of satisfaction mocking me.
And finally high functioning introvert, a light flame creature providing enough warmth to make each midnight meeting a bit more warm.

Every night at midnight without fail my companions come, each one ensuring it finds a way to be heard, seen or felt until share exhaustion takes over and the cogs in my head seize long enough for a nap until my alarm goes off.

That is my constant, that is my midnight madness. 15 years of these creatures and to be blunt with you, they are my closest friends, my closest enemies and my closest comfort on lonely nights.

With Love
L M Raccoon.